Last Kiss
by Eleantris
Summary: He had been her one and done, her writer-man, her nine year old on a sugar rush. He was the person who taught her she didn't need to be afraid of the spotlight, and that eating ice cream for breakfast was perfectly acceptable. Songfic to 'Last Kiss'.


_**Was in the mood for something a little angsty again, and I absolutely love this song by Taylor Swift, so here you have it! It's AU, I think, but could maybe pass for mid season four – though I think my heart would break if this actually happened! Hope you enjoy it, and please review!**_

_**X =D**_

_**Disclaimer – I don't own Castle, or these gorgeous lyrics. **_

_**Last Kiss**_

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><p>Kate Beckett couldn't sleep. She hadn't been able to sleep properly for months now; her room always felt too hot, but the bed too cold, no matter how many blankets she used or whether she opened the windows or not. It just didn't feel right anymore, sleeping alone, without his presence by her side. She lay there that night, staring up at the ceiling as the faint glow from the digital clock on her bedside table shone onto it. If she closed her eyes and allowed herself to float off, Kate could imagine that he was still laid beside her, one arm curled around her waist, his warm breath in her hair. She could make herself hear his whispered words in her head, the sweet nothings he used to murmur to her. And if she tried hard enough, Kate could feel his fingers ghosting over her skin, his soft caress causing goose bumps to rise up on her arms. She used to feel so safe there, secure in the strong circle of Rick Castle's arms as her bare back rested against his warm chest... But now, she was left with nothing but a cold side of the bed, an empty side of the bed. And it felt wrong.<p>

_I still remember, the look on your face_

_Lit through the darkness at 1:58_

_The words that you whispered, for just us to know_

_You told me you loved me, so why did you go... away? _

_Away..._

One of the main reasons why Kate couldn't sleep was that she spent all night, almost every night, wondering _why_. Why did he tell her he loved her, and then leave? Why did he leave at all? Why, after all his chasing and persuading and pleading, did he change his mind about her? Why did he decide to give up on something he had fought so much for? Night-time was the only time Kate ever got to think about anything properly. She couldn't think about her personal problems at work, there wasn't time, and it wasn't professional anyway to let her own feelings get in the way of solving a case. So every night she was reduced to tears, to desperate tossing and turning as she tried to figure out why he had gone away. Why had he left her like that?

They had been fighting more and more, yes, but it was nothing compared to the blazing rows she used to have with Josh, and she had been so convinced it was just a blip. They had both been under immense amounts of pressure – she had been dealing with a series of especially hard cases that had kept her up day and night, and he had been behind on the next Nikki Heat book, along with having to sort out promotions for the new film, and having to agree a new contract with his publisher. He was in and out of meetings all day, probably working harder than she had ever seen him work before. And then, after one particularly loud, tearful argument, he had left. She had received a note the next day, and then he was gone. She hadn't seen him since then. He had told her he was moving to England, to be near Alexis who had gone to Oxford after all. He had said he needed a change of scenery, some new inspiration. He had said it as though he meant his surroundings, but Kate had read the subtext. By new inspiration, he had meant a new muse. They were through. He couldn't write Nikki Heat properly anymore.

Every time Kate thought about it, tears came to her eyes and she wanted to tear the pillows apart with frustration at the injustice of it all. They had had a few arguments; some things had been said... But he didn't have to walk out on her like that, he didn't have to leave and never come back. She remembered the way he had looked at Kyra Blaine that one time, and said sadly that she was the one that got away. Well, Kate knew that if she ever saw Rick again, she would look at him that way and say that he was the one that got away, the same regret and melancholy in her voice. It had taken her so long to be ready to jump into a relationship with him; it had taken so long for her to feel comfortable enough with him to let down her defences, to let him in completely. And once she had, she had been so sure that they were unbreakable. That they would always be together, because despite everything she had once claimed and denied, she loved him, and she had thought he loved her too. But now, they were separated by an ocean and hadn't spoken for months. They were broken.

_I do recall now, the smell of the rain_

_Fresh on the pavement, I ran off the plane_

_That July 9__th__, the beat of your heart – it jumps through your shirt_

_I can still feel your arms_

Kate remembered the time she had to fly to Arizona on a case, hoping to catch a killer that had fled there. It had meant she was away for Independence Day, but Rick had promised they could celebrate it together once she got back. He had been waiting for her at the airport, gathering her in his arms as soon as she ran off the plane to him, rain in her hair and on her face. In that moment, Kate had never felt more alive, feeling his heartbeat through his shirt, his arms wrapped tight around her as he welcomed her back home. She had only been gone a few days, but it had felt like a decade without him. So why, when they had shared moments like that, had he walked away?

_But now I'll go, sit on the floor, wearing your clothes, _

_And all that I know is I don't know, how to be something you miss_

_I never thought we'd have a last kiss_

_Never imagined we'd end like this_

_Your name, forever the name on my lips_

Sometimes she would just sit there, still wearing one of the shirts he had left in a drawer at her apartment. His scent had long since faded from the fabric, but Kate liked to think she could still smell his subtle cologne whenever she pulled it round her. She had never thought he would leave, had never thought they would break up. Because he wasn't like any of her other boyfriends, it wasn't like any of her other relationships. She had wanted it badly, she had been prepared to fight tooth and nail for it, but he hadn't. In the end, when it had got all too much for the two of them, he had decided the stress of them both being rushed off their feet, irritable and disagreeing on almost everything was too much, not worth fighting for. She had never imagined it would end like this for them – she had thought they would be together forever, as cliché as it sounded. Hadn't they promised each other always?

And now she didn't know what to do. Every night, Kate wished that Rick was there, to hold her close, press his lips to hers and trace his fingertips over her skin, setting it alight. She missed him, more than she thought it possible to miss anyone. When she had lost her Mom, the loss and longing to see her again had been like a physical ache, a pain she was sure would never go away. And she had been right – it never had, it had just become easier to bear, and Rick had helped with that. But now she had another physical ache to carry around – the ache of missing him. It was nearly every day that she picked up her phone, and hovered her thumb over his name on her contacts list, but she never pressed it. Because it was obvious that he didn't miss her. And she didn't know how to make him. If there was one thing she had learnt in life, it was that you couldn't make people love you, or miss you. If they don't, they don't.

_I do remember, the spring in your step_

_Life of the party, you're showing off again_

_And I roll my eyes, and then, you pull me in_

_I'm not much for dancing, but for you I did_

A faint smile came to Kate's face as she remembered the parties they had gone to together, how comfortable she had felt, being temporarily in the limelight, now that she was with him. Before, people knowing her face and her name everywhere she turned had been suffocating, and annoyed her no end. It had made her feel self-conscious. But once she had Rick by her side, holding her hand, whispering in her ear, making her laugh and distracting her, it had suddenly not seemed like such a chore. She remembered the way he used to stroll around like he owned the place, but still without arrogance, the way he used to exuberantly entertain guests and tell jokes, being his usual charming self, as he used to say. Kate recalled how she would always roll her eyes at him, but there would be laughter in them too, and he'd pull her in and they'd dance, letting the rest of the world melt away around them.

But now there was nothing like that. Now Kate went to no parties, she barely went out, she lived for the job. And after work, she always felt exhausted, so she'd go home and collapse on the sofa or on her bed, and her thoughts would always manage to wander to him. He had once said she was a mystery he was never going to solve, but Kate knew now that he was a drug she was never going to be able to give up. She couldn't let the memories go – being with Rick had made her happy, truly, ridiculously happy, for the first time in a long while. He had made her feel free again, had shown her everything life had to offer, and that hiding away in your apartment and your job wasn't an option. But now, that was exactly what she was doing. Now she was just another of Richard Castle's throwaways, another failure in a long line of women.

_Because I love your handshake, meeting my father_

_I love how you walk with your hands in your pockets_

_The way you'd kiss me when I was in the middle of saying something_

_There's not a day when I don't miss those rude interruptions_

Even her Dad had loved him, had approved. He had said he was so grateful to Rick for taking care of her, for loving her and bringing her back to life. Kate remembered how well he and her Dad had got on, playing poker together, always greeting with a firm handshake. Back then, it had felt like everything in her life had fallen into place – she had finally found her one and done. And that was who he had been to her – her one and done. There wasn't anyone else for her after him, once she had taken the plunge. She loved him, more than she had loved Will, or Tom, or Josh. Tears would come to her eyes every time she thought about the times she would walk into the precinct, excited and energised because she had a suspect, or some new piece of evidence that meant she was getting close. She would try and hurriedly explain to Rick, so they could go out and 'kick some criminal ass' as he used to say, but sometimes, he would get a playful glint in his eye and say how sexy she was when she was in 'briefing' mode. He would kiss her mid-sentence, taking her words and her breath away. His lips would move softly over hers, tongue flicking out to tease her lower lip as a desperation and desire for more burned beneath the surface. She used to tell him off for doing that, saying it was inappropriate and unprofessional. Now, there wasn't a day that went by when Kate didn't miss Rick interrupting her with a kiss.

_But now I'll go, sit on the floor, wearing your clothes, _

_And all that I know is I don't know, how to be something you miss_

_I never thought we'd have a last kiss_

_Never imagined we'd end like this_

_Your name, forever the name on my lips_

And every night, as these memories flew through her mind, and tears slipped forlornly down her face, Kate always found herself asking the same question, over and over again. _Why?_ Why, if they had had all those memories, all those moments, struggles and joys together, why had he chosen to leave it all behind? He hadn't even said that it was just space he wanted, hadn't even been prepared to give them another chance. He had just walked away, or rather ran, to another country. Another continent, for heaven's sakes. Were the things she had said really that bad? Because he had said hurtful things too, but she had just taken them to be said in the heat of the moment – he would apologise later, just as he always did. He never did. He just left, walked out, leaving her nothing but a note saying he was sorry, he just couldn't do it anymore, and he was leaving to be nearer Alexis. Her heart had broken that day, for the first time since her Mom's death. They had been so happy, so together, so unbreakable. When they had got together, everyone said 'I told you so', that they were meant to be together and why hadn't it happened sooner? And even Kate had truly believed that she was finally where she was meant to be. She had never for one minute thought that she would ever have to be without him. But now she was, and there was no getting him back.

_So I'll watch your life in pictures, like I used to watch you sleep_

_And I feel you forget me, like I used to feel you breathe_

_And I keep up with our old friends, just to ask them how you are_

_I hope it's nice where you are..._

Now, all Kate had were the newspapers and the fan-sites to tell her how Rick was, to tell her what he was doing. She didn't read his books anymore. Couldn't bring herself to read about the new character who had replaced her – a male, thank God, ex American cop, working as an advisor to the Metropolitan Police in London. Because every time she picked up one of his books, Kate would remember Nikki Heat, and the heartbreaking dedication that had been in the last book – the one released just a few weeks after he left. She knew he must have changed it last minute. Every time she thought of them, the words made her burst into tears, grief and longing and regret coursing through her like fire. _For the real Nikki Heat, with all my gratitude. I'm sorry I can't be your Jameson Rook anymore. _Having those words there, for the entire world to read, broke Kate's heart. How could he have exposed the raw, personal emotions under their break up like that? It was like a declaration to the world – telling them that he couldn't do it anymore, didn't want her anymore. He wasn't just unable to write Nikki anymore, he was unable to be with her.

So now Kate had pictures, rather than him beside her in bed, breathing slowly, his arms wrapped around her. Now, he had moved on to another character, a different series of books and a slightly different style of writing – any romance was absent from his stories now, critics had said. His books were still said to be phenomenal, just different. She used to be able to feel his breath in her hair and against her neck, now all she could feel every day was that he was getting further and further away from her, forgetting her, leaving her behind. It had hit Kate quite a few days after Rick had left that in the end, that was all she was to him – another woman he had left behind. She wasn't the one, like he had once said to her, and they weren't really going to be together 'always'. She was just another one of Richard Castle's conquests, soon to be forgotten by the public, the media, his fans, and the man himself.

But still Kate kept her tabs on him from time to time, she would ring up Alexis to see how she was doing, and she would ask after Rick. But every time she would get the same reply – he's fine. She didn't feel comfortable asking Alexis to tell her any more than that; she knew where the young woman's loyalties lay. And she didn't blame her. Rick had done an amazing job of being both a father and mother to Alexis; it was one of the things that had made her fall so completely in love with him – seeing him with his daughter had always softened her heart. She hoped that Alexis' words were true, that Rick was fine, that he was happy living in London, that he had found the inspiration he was looking for. But still, she wished...

_And I hope the sun shines, and it's a beautiful day_

_And something reminds you, you wish you had stayed_

_You can plan for a change in weather and town_

_But I never planned on you changing your mind_

Kate still wished that one day, at some point, he would see something that reminded him of her, the way she saw things daily that reminded her of him. She hoped that sometimes, Rick stopped to think of her, and that just very occasionally, he wished that he had stayed. Because then, maybe it hadn't all been for nothing. Maybe their relationship had actually meant something; even if it was still something he didn't want to be part of. She hoped that sometimes, Rick would walk down the street in London and see something, or hear something, that made him think of her, of them when they had been together. She wished that something would remind him of how much he had wanted her, the lengths he had gone to in order to win her heart. And more than anything, Kate wished that one day, the something that reminded him would make him pick up the phone, or send an email, or...anything.

When the going had got tough between them, Kate had thought that maybe they might need to cool off, to perhaps get away from life together to work out their differences. Because she never stopped loving him, not for a minute, never stopped wanting him, wanting _them_. She had planned on them needing to take a step back, or a step away, or whatever it was called. She had never planned on him walking out, had never imagined for a second that he would change his mind the way he had done. They just needed some space and time to breathe, what with everything that was going on around them.

_So I'll go, sit on the floor, wearing your clothes, _

_And all that I know is I don't know, how to be something you miss_

_I never thought we'd have a last kiss_

_Never imagined we'd end like this_

That night, Kate sat on the floor, back against the wall, her knees up under her chin and Rick's shirt pulled close around her as she tried to imagine his scent still lingering. She couldn't sleep, couldn't shake the memories and questions and regrets from her head. The one amazing thing that had made her unquestionably happy... and it had ended like this. She didn't know what to do anymore, didn't see how she could go on for the rest of her life, just working and thinking of him. It wasn't a life, and it certainly wasn't one she was willing to keep living. She had to do something to get her life back, to make herself happy again, just as Lanie always said to her. But Kate knew that deep down, the only person who could make her truly happy again was far away in England, and he hadn't even phoned to see how she was since he walked out.

_Your name, forever the name on my lips_

_Just like our last kiss_

_Forever the name on my lips..._

He had been her one and done, her writer-man, her nine year old on a sugar rush. He was the name in her phone that she still hadn't deleted, because she had convinced herself that one day, she would have the courage to press that call button. He was the man her father had approved of, he was the person who taught her she didn't need to be afraid of the spotlight, and that eating ice cream for breakfast was perfectly acceptable. He was the air she breathed, the name on her lips whenever she did manage to fall asleep.

Running her hands through her hair, Kate felt the dampness of tears on her cheeks and wiped it away. She bit down on her bottom lip as she looked at the mobile phone on her bedside table and reached for it. With a trembling hand, she scrolled through her contacts until the bar highlighted his name, and her thumb hovered over the touch screen as it had done countless times before. But this time, with a deep breath, she tapped it.

It rang once, twice, and then...

"_Hello, you've reached the devastatingly alluring and ruggedly handsome Richard Castle. I can't get to my phone right now, so please leave a message and I'll get right back to you."_

The hand holding her phone was trembling now, her bottom lip being chewed away as she stared almost fearfully down at her phone. The screen seemed to stare back at her, as though hurrying her up, telling her to leave a message. The words were on her lips, ready to fall out; they had been there ever since he left, so unexpectedly. She had never thought he would leave, never thought that they'd ever have a last kiss. With one shaking hand and a trembling heart, she lifted the phone closer to her mouth.

_Forever the name on my lips..._

"Hi, Rick... It's me...Kate. I..." She breathed in deeply, pushing back the tears threatening to well up in her eyes as she took a look around her darkened, empty bedroom. "I miss you."

_Just like our last..._

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><p><em><strong>I hope this was okay, and that I've done the song justice, as it's one of my favourites. I'd love to do a second part to this from Castle's point of view, maybe with him receiving her message there at the end, but I don't know of any songs that I could use. So if you have any ideas for that, if you'd like to read a second part, of course, then I'm open for suggestions! Thank you very much for reading and as always, reviews are very much appreciated. :P<strong>_

_**X =D**_


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